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Patrick Metzger

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About Me — Patrick Metzger

This is not a linear narrative — *Please scroll past my enormous head to read bio below.* Hi.Top level: I’m interested in the intersection of the mysterious and the absurd, which is to say life. Roles I’ve had: student, dishwasher, punk rock singer, office clerk, various types of manager, including program, project, and product, bank executive, political…

About Me

5 min read

About Me — Patrick Metzger
About Me — Patrick Metzger
About Me

5 min read


Published in

The Haven

·1 day ago

Welcome to the LifeLong Program, Which For Only a Small Fee Will Not Kill You!

We call it “Survival as a service” — Hey everyone! Sorry to pop up in your feed like this, but you’ll be glad we did. If you’re a human living on Planet Earth, this message is for you. We’re a consortium of technology, finance, food processing, agribusiness, and government organizations, including all your favourite social media and AI…

Humor

3 min read

Welcome to the LifeLong Program, Which For Only a Small Fee Will Not Kill You!
Welcome to the LifeLong Program, Which For Only a Small Fee Will Not Kill You!
Humor

3 min read


Published in

The Narrative Arc

·5 days ago

If Women Are Wary of Men, There’s Good Reason For It

We can’t go backwards — CW: sexual abuse / anecdotes of abuse When I was eighteen I was walking home after a night of drinking, decked out in full punk regalia — motorcycle jacket, combat boots and assorted accessories. As I passed a park known in my hometown as a gay rendezvous spot, a car…

Personal Essay

4 min read

If Women Are Wary of Men, There’s Good Reason For It
If Women Are Wary of Men, There’s Good Reason For It
Personal Essay

4 min read


Published in

Blow Your Stack

·Sep 24

Rupert Murdoch Steps Down, Complains Unironically About Elites Trying to Silence Him

Media mogul accuses non-Fox media of being too political — If there’s one thing we’ve learned in the last few years it’s that money and power don’t buy self-awareness, and in case Musk and Trump weren’t proof enough, Rupert Murdoch is here to hammer the point home. The ancient Australian news baron and destabilizer of democracy announced this week that…

Rupert Murdoch

2 min read

Rupert Murdoch Steps Down, Complains Unironically About Elites Trying to Silence Him
Rupert Murdoch Steps Down, Complains Unironically About Elites Trying to Silence Him
Rupert Murdoch

2 min read


Published in

Scrittura

·Sep 18

Lucifer, God, and the Great Confusion

Prose poem prompt: Retell a well-known tale — Welcome, my son said the Divine Presence in a froth of chilly mist and ineffable thought I trust you’ve been well? Lucifer nodded his noble head Eyes wide, deep and blue-green as a primordial sea chiseled jawline sharp as a razor’s edge skin glowing deep bronze and flawless under the perpetual golden hour of…

Prose Poem

3 min read

Lucifer, God, and the Great Confusion
Lucifer, God, and the Great Confusion
Prose Poem

3 min read


Sep 14

Ten Books That Changed My Life

Your mileage may vary — Recently I’ve thought that my writing on Medium has seen far too few narcissistic self-indulgent listicles. This piece aims to remedy that shortfall. Below are some books I first read between my early teens and mid-twenties which affected my worldview or my philosophy or the way I string a sentence…

Humor

7 min read

Ten Books That Changed My Life
Ten Books That Changed My Life
Humor

7 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Sep 9

The Hidden Meditations of Marcus Aurelius

“Why didn’t Leander bring bacon?” — Marcus Aurelius, ruler of the Roman Empire from CE 161 to 180, was widely considered a wise and just emperor. Today he is admired for his Meditations, which exemplify Stoic philosophy and the virtues of wisdom, moderation, courage, and justice. Recently a British tourist sleeping off a bender in a…

Humour

3 min read

The Hidden Meditations of Marcus Aurelius
The Hidden Meditations of Marcus Aurelius
Humour

3 min read


Published in

The Bad Influence

·Sep 8

Our COVID-19 Troubles Are Just Getting Started

Imagine a zombie apocalypse in slow motion — Stupid science. Just when we all got chill with the mass delusion that COVID-19 was over, a study in British medical journal The Lancet suggests that the real fuckening may be yet to come. The research looks at individuals suffering from long COVID, aka Post-COVID-19 condition (PCC), and the conclusions…

Covid-19

4 min read

Our COVID-19 Troubles Are Just Getting Started
Our COVID-19 Troubles Are Just Getting Started
Covid-19

4 min read


Published in

Age of Empathy

·Sep 6

A Strange Woman Made Me Feel Good in the Pool

Calm down, people, not like that — Yesterday was a pleasingly quiet day at the gym pool. Each of the three lanes had only a single occupant, and I was enjoying floundering my way up and down my row without risk of collision. As I was almost ready to leave, a dark, attractive woman in a bathing…

Happiness

3 min read

A Strange Woman Made Me Feel Good in the Pool
A Strange Woman Made Me Feel Good in the Pool
Happiness

3 min read


Published in

Blow Your Stack

·Sep 5

I Told a Credit Card Phone Scammer Where to Go and Here’s How I Knew

Technology is making phone cons more convincing —learn to recognize the signs — My ex-wife C was over at the house, temporarily relieving me as the adult in charge of watching our son play online games. She’d just arrived when she got a phone call. “No. No. Definitely not. That wasn’t me.” As someone who’s had my identity stolen twice — I’ve since…

Scam

4 min read

I Told a Credit Card Phone Scammer Where to Go and Here’s How I Knew
I Told a Credit Card Phone Scammer Where to Go and Here’s How I Knew
Scam

4 min read

Patrick Metzger

Patrick Metzger

7.2K Followers

Dilettante, smartass, apocalypticist. ***See “Lists” for stories by genre.***

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