About Me — Patrick Metzger

This is not a linear narrative

Patrick Metzger
5 min readAug 21, 2021


*Please scroll past my enormous head to read bio below.*

April 2023

Hi.Top level:

I’m interested in the intersection of the mysterious and the absurd, which is to say life.

Roles I’ve had: student, dishwasher, punk rock singer, office clerk, various types of manager, including program, project, and product, bank executive, political candidate, TV producer and director, teacher, freelance writer, stay-at-home dad.

I believe that periodic self-reinvention is a necessity.

Random Facts

I come from a long line of low-end politicians. My paternal great-grandfather was a minister with some stern tedious Protestant sect who ran for the US Congress and lost, settling for a term in the Vermont House of Representatives. My grandfather was Mayor of Metuchen, NJ, and I have a great-great-uncle who was both in the US House of Representatives and Mayor of New Brunswick NJ.

When I was a kid and my parents went away overnight, they would often leave us in the care of Patsy and Penny, the twin little people babysitters. I have vivid memories of them chasing me and my siblings around the house at night with the lights off, all of us screaming.

It annoys me when people say things like “I love animals because they’re so honest.” True, but only because they’re stupid. Your dog would con you out of your life savings and buy dog food with it if he had the brains to put together a viable Ponzi scheme.

I used to do the Metro crossword on the subway, secretly hoping that people were watching me race through it and thinking “wow, he sure is smart.”

I’ve always wanted a windbreaker that said “Security” on the back.

I don’t understand art and don’t really like it. I can get into a nice oil painting of tall ships at sea, but drop me in an art museum and I might as well be a chimp at a lecture on quantum physics.

Ditto for classical music. Pachelbel’s Canon is nice, and the parts of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons they use in ads for fancy shopping malls, but most everything else just eludes me.



Patrick Metzger

Dilettante, smartass, apocalypticist. ***See “Lists” for stories by genre.***