Open in app

Sign in

Write

Sign in

Mastodon
Patrick Metzger

7.4K Followers

Home

Lists

About

Pinned

About Me — Patrick Metzger

This is not a linear narrative — *Please scroll past my enormous head to read bio below.* Hi.Top level: I’m interested in the intersection of the mysterious and the absurd, which is to say life. Roles I’ve had: student, dishwasher, punk rock singer, office clerk, various types of manager, including program, project, and product, bank executive, political…

About Me

5 min read

About Me — Patrick Metzger
About Me — Patrick Metzger
About Me

5 min read


Published in

The Bad Influence

·1 day ago

AI is the Next Step in Human Evolution

What if the universe has programmed us to build our replacement? — Darwin observed that the most successful organisms are those which adapt best to a shifting environment, and for the last few millennia that’s been homo sapiens. Things may be about to change. Like everyone else with a wifi connection and a doomer disposition, I’ve written before about the dangers of…

AI

4 min read

AI is the Next Step in Human Evolution
AI is the Next Step in Human Evolution
AI

4 min read


Published in

The Haven

·6 days ago

Selling the Trump Vision of Vengeance-Based Government

A memo to all Republican communicators — President Donald Trump, the greatest American ever to live, recently posted on Truth Social: “we will root out the Communists, Marxists, Fascists, and Radical Left Thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our country, lie, steal, and cheat on Elections, and will do anything possible, whether legally or…

Humor

2 min read

Selling the Trump Vision of Vengeance-Based Government
Selling the Trump Vision of Vengeance-Based Government
Humor

2 min read


Published in

Scrittura

·Nov 20

Iceberg

A short poem about the joys and perils… —

Poetry

1 min read

Iceberg
Iceberg
Poetry

1 min read


Published in

The Bad Influence

·Nov 14

New Studies Say the Climate Crisis is Worse Than We Thought

We’re venturing into uncharted territory — I haven’t been writing much lately about the climate crisis, and not because I’ve gained new optimism that we can avoid a civilization-wrecking climate car wreck. No, it’s more because as the year unravelled, with records shattered and new superlatives applied to the emerging catastrophe, I didn’t have much new…

Climate Change

5 min read

New Studies Say the Climate Crisis is Worse Than We Thought
New Studies Say the Climate Crisis is Worse Than We Thought
Climate Change

5 min read


Published in

The Haven

·Nov 10

Space Aliens Have Infested My Gym Pool

There’s no other explanation for strangers talking to me — It was a quiet day when I arrived at the pool. Two of the three lanes were empty and the third occupied only by a single older woman placidly backstroking from one end to the other. A peaceful pool gives me pleasure. When not surrounded by other pool-less proles I…

Humor

4 min read

Space Aliens Have Infested My Gym Pool
Space Aliens Have Infested My Gym Pool
Humor

4 min read


Published in

Crow’s Feet

·Nov 8

Has Online Dating Made Us Pickier?

I’ve developed an envious respect for empowered women who aren’t in any hurry — A couple of days ago I went on a coffee date arranged through a dating app. I’m not a big fan of meeting in coffee shops because alcohol is a superior social lubricant, but I’ll take it if that’s what’s on offer. It went well, at least by my undemanding…

Relationships

4 min read

Has Online Dating Made Us Pickier?
Has Online Dating Made Us Pickier?
Relationships

4 min read


Published in

The Bad Influence

·Nov 3

Are Canadians Better Than Americans?

Maybe, but we shouldn’t get too smug about it — I was Facebooking the other day because I’m ancient, and got into a conversation with some cheerful MAGAbot about whether Canada was a socialist dictatorship run by Globalization. …

Politics

3 min read

Are Canadians Better Than Americans?
Are Canadians Better Than Americans?
Politics

3 min read


Published in

Fictions

·Oct 28

Spirit House

Have fun at the fair, but stick to the midway — “Jesus, Jimmy, I told you not to get off the highway. We’ve been driving twenty minutes and haven’t even seen a car.” “Yeah, yeah. Was supposed to be a shortcut around the roadwork.” He peered at the device mounted on the dashboard. “How was I supposed to know the fucking…

Fiction

7 min read

Spirit House
Spirit House
Fiction

7 min read


Published in

MuddyUm

·Oct 27

GOP Bill Will Require Americans To Wear Badges Identifying Them Either As “Mass Shooter” or “Good Guy With Gun”

“The Freedom To Shoot Bill will reduce gun violence without imposing undue hardship on firearms owners” — In a rare show of support for new gun legislation, House Republicans have introduced a new bill which would require Americans in public places to identify themselves by the intended use of the firearms they’re carrying. Under the new law, all persons resident in the United States would have to…

Humor

2 min read

GOP Bill Will Require Americans To Wear Badges Identifying Them Either As “Mass Shooter” or “Good…
GOP Bill Will Require Americans To Wear Badges Identifying Them Either As “Mass Shooter” or “Good…
Humor

2 min read

Patrick Metzger

Patrick Metzger

7.4K Followers

Dilettante, smartass, apocalypticist. ***See “Lists” for stories by genre.***

Following
  • The Good Men Project

    The Good Men Project

  • Eric Pierce

    Eric Pierce

  • Richard Crim

    Richard Crim

  • Justiss Goode | Story Curator

    Justiss Goode | Story Curator

  • Maria Garcia

    Maria Garcia

See all (337)

Help

Status

About

Careers

Blog

Privacy

Terms

Text to speech

Teams