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32 Words For Penis and How To Use Them

When “dick” just won’t do the job

As a toddler, I was taught that the stubby urine-spitting item between my thighs was called my peenie. This designation worked well for a few years; it was inoffensive, pronounceable, and only a short phonetic hop from penis.

However, even before the springtime of my first pubes, the mean streets and schoolyards of London, Ontario had taught me a multitude of alternatives ranging from the formal to the downright inexplicable. Indeed, I doubt there’s any word in the English language with more synonyms, because men love talking about — and hearing other people talk about — their regenerative organs.

To help you navigate the complex vocabulary of male genitalia, I’ve created an alphabetized list of some of the more popular usages, along with direction on when and how they can be most profitably employed. This list is by no means exhaustive, so apologies if I’ve excluded your favorite.

Baloney pony

I’ve never heard anyone say this but it should be more widely used because it’s hilarious. Imagine whispering “Would you care for a canter on the baloney pony?” into your lover’s ear. This question should only be used for comedic purposes as no one…